Conversation as a spiritual practice
the gift of presence
Seeking to attune to one another
Conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice enables us to attune to one another - rather than debate, agree with, or win over the other. Attuning to one another cultivates trust. Trust leads toward an ever-deepening experience of connection, even among individuals with disparate views. Engaging in conversation as a spiritual practice transcends merely sharing various ideas, opinions, and beliefs. It involves a deeper, contemplative connection - a gift of presence - that fosters authentic community comprised of unity with diversity.
Preamble
A conversation involves both listening (receiving) and responding. Sounds pretty self-explanatory
doesn’t it? However, we do not listen or respond objectively. How we hear, and for that matter what we hear, is shaped by a particular interpretive lens. Philosopher and theologian, the late Bernard Lonergan taught: "What does not fit into our interpretive view will not be heard, or if heard will be deemed irrelevant." For example: how often are we in the middle of a conversation with someone and we think to ourselves, "They are not listening to me." Or, "This is really important to me, and yet they don’t seem to care." Or, "Do we come from different planets? We seem to be speaking different languages!!”
It is not so much that we are speaking different languages in terms of the actual words. However, we may be speaking different languages in terms of what we mean when we speak and what is understood or received by the other person/s. Why? Because our words are packed with meaning. As such our language is not simply words that we speak and hear. The words we use in conversation are loaded with meaning. . . our meaning. Our meaning is informed by the interpretive framework of our current belief system.
Our interpretive view
So, we each view ourselves in life through a particular interpretive framework or lens. Lonergan taught: "Our interpretive lens filters all that we see, hear, and know." Our interpretive view impacts our conversations, because our interpretation of a word or phrase will determine our response. However, generally, we are unaware that our conversations are filtered through a particular lens.
How do we develop our particular interpretive lens? Numerous elements are involved, including personality traits; the beliefs and norms of family, local communities, and cultural/religious traditions; and ongoing life experiences. Are we confined to a single interpretive perspective? Certainly, some individuals may find themselves trapped. Yet, by staying open and responsive to the dynamic interaction between our life experiences and our prevailing interpretive view, we have the potential to broaden or even alter our perspective.
Conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice
In light of the above insights, a question could be posed: "Is it possible to engage in conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice?" The answer is, “YES.” Although our conversations are influenced by our present perspectives and meanings, attunement to one another is achievable. It is this act of attuning that fosters a trusting environment. Within such an environment we can achieve deep interpersonal connection, even with those who have differing opinions.
when we attune to one another we cultivate trust, generaing profound interpersonal connection
We attune to one another through a contemplative orientation, a beginner's mindset, and posing open-ended questions.
A contemplative orientation
A contemplative orientation is one of relinquishing the desire to control the experience, remaining open and receptive to, "the creative action of love and grace in our hearts" (Thomas Merton). Within such an orientation, we engage in conversation with an openness to where inner wisdom may be drawing us. Such a tender yet courageous stance requires an attitude of curiosity and non-judgmental exploration. It also requires whole-body listening, paying attention to our bodily affective experience as well as our thoughts, in response to the conversation.
Remaining open and receptive to inner wisdom’s stirrings aligns somewhat with the term dialogical dialogue, referred to by McEntee and Bucko in their book, The New Monasticism. For them, dialogical dialogue:
“is a way of relating to one another, such that we allow ourselves to be changed in the light of the wisdom of the other. It is a dialogue that is always an exploration. Its philosophical roots stem from an understanding that the other is not really other, but participates in a shared reality of which we ourselves are a part. . . .The other is not the same as our self, but is not separate from our self either. Together, we both participate in a shared reality and we affect and change that reality through our interactions with one another.”
For more on a contemplative orientation see my web page A contemplative orientation
A beginner's mindset
Zen Buddhist teacher, Suzuki, stated that a beginner's mind encompasses openness, curiosity, lack of preconceptions, comfort with the unknown, a mind that can 'be with' the present moment.
In terms of engaging in conversation with a beginner's mindset, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Daniel Siegel's teaching is extremely helpful. According to Siegel, there are two ways in which we perceive and process information. One way is through the constructor mind. The constructor mind involves, "top-down conceptualizations, where prior experience is activated, making it difficult to notice the unique and vibrant details of what is happening here and now." The second way we receive and process information, is through the conduit mind. The conduit mind involves, "bottom-up processing, leading to the circuitry in the brain beyond the top-down filters of prior experience. Bottom-up perception is experienced as a conduit of sensory experience where we are seeing the unique aspects of what is in front of us." So, if we intentionally unhook from the top-down constructor mind and drop into the bottom-up conduit mind of sensory experience, we can listen and respond from a beginner's mindset.
Posing open-ended questions
Lonergan taught, "We humans are created to wonder, to question and discover responses." As we do so, we can, "transcend the limits of our current view." For Lonergan, open-ended questions lay at the heart of self-transcendence. Open-ended questions allow the light of transformative shifts to break through the limitations of our current view. Open-ended questions emerge quite naturally from a beginner's mindset. When we pose open-ended questions in conversation, we are creating space for each participant to remain open to transformative shifts in their view, if and when they emerge.
Standing in our own ground, openheartedly
Even when we are in conversation with individuals who hold differing views, if we can remain in a contemplative orientation, with a beginner's mindset, and pose open-ended questions, the conversation will allow each participant to attune to one another, or in the words of Parker Palmer, "to truly see and hear each other." In the act of truly seeing and hearing each other we do not need to agree, but rather we are able to listen and respond in such a way that each participant will experience a kind of resonance, or what Siegal names as, "feeling felt." Such an experience of feeling felt gives rise to an environment of trust.
“Listening . . . reweaves the world into wholeness and holiness”
In light of such understandings, the intention of conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice is more than a simple pooling of ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Also, conversation is more than seeking to win a debate. Rather, the intention of conversation is to attune to one another and in so doing, to cultivate trust and deep connection. Such a practice involves, in the words of McEntee and Bucko, "an opening oneself to the other without fear of losing one's positions." Without fear of losing our positions, we drop our defensiveness and allow the conversation to affect us on its own terms. The metaphor I find helpful for such an understanding is: standing in our own ground, openheartedly.
Signs that we are attuning to one another in conversation are:
listening without thinking of our response
allowing silences
holding an attitude of truly wanting to see and hear the other person/s truth
speaking from our truth even if it differs from the other person/s
allowing the conversation to affect us on its own terms
Signs that we are not attuning to one another in conversation are:
racing in to fix or rescue the other person/s
giving unwarranted advice
shrinking from who we are, or, defending our position
making assumptions about the other person/s motives
unwarranted fact-gathering
seeking to control the experience
As we engage in conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice, we are nurturing authentic community comprised of unity with diversity, within an environment of trust. In turn, we are cultivating dynamic, yet peaceful relationships.
Resources
Parker J. Palmer, Hidden Wholeness: The Journey towards an Undivided Life: Welcoming the Soul and Weaving Community in a Wounded World
Bernard Lonergan, Method in Theology
Daniel J. Siegel, MD, Mind: A journey to the heart of being human
Rory McEntee & Adam Bucko, The New Monasticism: An Interspiritual Manifesto for Contemplative Living